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I Try To Rise Clean Like The Sun (2011)
Every morning I wake up forgetting,
What I so direly prayed about last night,
What has wracked my soul to the bone,
Despair joy desire repulsion,
I spend the rest of the daylight
And the moonlight looking for it,
I don’t want this,
I don’t want the fear and the wonder,
The sublime is lost at my feet,
Like an aborted dream on a bathroom floor,
I do not want this responsibility,
Feeling the weight of fate upon my hand,
As I drive the vehicle of my life forward,
Feeling out of control of my own mind,
Lost in the sway between rationale and emotion,
I don’t want this,
View of a place I can’t go,
This parting of the curtain to show my eyes Paradise,
While my fingers are still burning and sticky,
Smoke still in my lungs and thoughts,
I do not want this sorrow,
This feeling of longing and repulsion,
Knowing what will never be right and what will,
A sort of half hearted righteousness
Always half in and half out of my own heart,
I don’t want this,
Poisonous wonders in ingest daily,
Word substance feeling sound,
I poison my eyes with the shadows upon my screen,
And like an addict I can’t stop,
I do not want this fear,
Letting each fire die for fear of burning,
Sacrificing my past for my future never seeing,
The scars I lace upon my present as it bleeds for me,
As I leak my secret source to survive,
I don’t want this,
Knowing of how my desires mean nothing,
So I spend my seconds recklessly in hopes of finding peace,
A momentary release that can vent some of this pressure,
Feeling like the sun is cooking my with its glance,
I do not want this world,
That can only recycle and never renew,
Cannot breathe life for it’s winds have been locked away,
Bottled and placed deep in the pockets of some not others,
Mother nature once hand many children before we all became orphans,
I don’t want this,
And so I turn my tears up,
Launch them into the sky with unflickering eyes,
Waiting for the moisture to come back upon my face,
And then perhaps a sign of hope to be traced back up,
I don’t want these thoughts,
So I lay my head down into a thing,
Music bed person book game poem dirt,
Seeking to throw this confusion into my trash bin,
Am I rising and falling all at once,
I dream to interrupt the cycle,
Create a safe space to to hope and feel and believe,
To find the meanings I’ve burned down in the confusion,
Attempting I cast out some of the illusions I adopted,
And as fingers lace around the final handle concealing my damage,
I am ripped from the dream
I am ripped from fully healing,
And I try to rise clean like the sun, -
Traversed (2010)
Crossing that line
The humming threshold
With a flaming wall at our backs
Not quite the Rubicon
(For a river is not quite as dire)
But never the less it has been
Traversed
And we can’t go back
We can’t escape the falling of leaves
Or the chilling of breeze
We’re just here, pushing forward
Pushing toward the reddening sky
The midnight sun in full swing
And us blinded by this
Bright deep nightWe have entered a foreign land
Without map or guide
Please someone watch over us -
Ready (2010)
Maybe I was afraid of drowning
Of being filled with something
I did know but really didn’t
Soul knowledge and mind knowledge
Run separately
So maybe I was afraid
And kept settling for second best
But now I know you
All knowledge running together
Playing in fields with flowers and sun
Then jumping into the waves
Floating down into the deep
Loving arms of you
So I guess all I can say is
If I was afraid
I am now either fearless
Or fearfully unafraid
And ready -
The Feeling (2010)
I’ve always been good at love,
at the consideration
the feeling,
but I’ve always been bad at the saving.
I’ll make you feel special,
like the sun and stars are yours,
like anything can happen
(because it can),
but when it gets rough,
when you start destroying yourself,
I don’t know what to do.
There’s a firm line between helping you
and hurting you. Between saving
and crippling. But I don’t know where
it starts or ends. Where it lies
between you and me.
So I talk and I try.
So you push and you cry.
“What the hell am I supposed to do?”
I sigh. And you still cry.
Someone told me that strength
is something we all have,
we just have to find it inside
and let the pain be the guide.
But I don’t know how to stand by
and watch you
fall.
I’ll always leap, catch you,
and you’ll never learn,
I think.
So I’ve learned to leave,
let you, whoever you are, fall,
so you can rise again.
Because I don’t know
what else to do.
It takes so much love to walk away
watch you drift, knowing you might not
be back someday. I’m good at love, right?
And then you came along.
You didn’t need salvation nor healing,
just company.
And so we’ve played in each other’s souls
laughing howling mad.
And now you’re falling apart.
And all I’ve learned seems wrong.
What the hell am I going to do?
After a long trip with many sighs
and heavy thoughts,
Thinking of how you could just
give up
if you wanted to (do the easy thing).
I got it, was struck by it.
When you hurt, I hurt,
but when I believe in you, you believe in you.
Pain isn’t your guide,
I am.
And that scares me.
But I won’t give up on you.
All you need is company right?
And I have plenty of that to give
with some other stuff you might like too.
Like hope. Like peace. Like clarity.
Like the key to your cage.
