-
I Try To Rise Clean Like The Sun (2011)
Every morning I wake up forgetting,
What I so direly prayed about last night,
What has wracked my soul to the bone,
Despair joy desire repulsion,
I spend the rest of the daylight
And the moonlight looking for it,
I don’t want this,
I don’t want the fear and the wonder,
The sublime is lost at my feet,
Like an aborted dream on a bathroom floor,
I do not want this responsibility,
Feeling the weight of fate upon my hand,
As I drive the vehicle of my life forward,
Feeling out of control of my own mind,
Lost in the sway between rationale and emotion,
I don’t want this,
View of a place I can’t go,
This parting of the curtain to show my eyes Paradise,
While my fingers are still burning and sticky,
Smoke still in my lungs and thoughts,
I do not want this sorrow,
This feeling of longing and repulsion,
Knowing what will never be right and what will,
A sort of half hearted righteousness
Always half in and half out of my own heart,
I don’t want this,
Poisonous wonders in ingest daily,
Word substance feeling sound,
I poison my eyes with the shadows upon my screen,
And like an addict I can’t stop,
I do not want this fear,
Letting each fire die for fear of burning,
Sacrificing my past for my future never seeing,
The scars I lace upon my present as it bleeds for me,
As I leak my secret source to survive,
I don’t want this,
Knowing of how my desires mean nothing,
So I spend my seconds recklessly in hopes of finding peace,
A momentary release that can vent some of this pressure,
Feeling like the sun is cooking my with its glance,
I do not want this world,
That can only recycle and never renew,
Cannot breathe life for it’s winds have been locked away,
Bottled and placed deep in the pockets of some not others,
Mother nature once hand many children before we all became orphans,
I don’t want this,
And so I turn my tears up,
Launch them into the sky with unflickering eyes,
Waiting for the moisture to come back upon my face,
And then perhaps a sign of hope to be traced back up,
I don’t want these thoughts,
So I lay my head down into a thing,
Music bed person book game poem dirt,
Seeking to throw this confusion into my trash bin,
Am I rising and falling all at once,
I dream to interrupt the cycle,
Create a safe space to to hope and feel and believe,
To find the meanings I’ve burned down in the confusion,
Attempting I cast out some of the illusions I adopted,
And as fingers lace around the final handle concealing my damage,
I am ripped from the dream
I am ripped from fully healing,
And I try to rise clean like the sun, -
How Can I Tell You (2011)
We’re talking like we normally do
Drinking coffee like we normally do
Looking out over the water or trees
Pouring our thoughts out
Seeing what colors they take
Laughing hating sighing dreaming
But for a second I wonder
Do you know how madly in love I am with you?
Not the play I love yous
Or the head felt bonds of friends
But deep unwavering burning devotion
I wonder if you see my eyes
Glimmer ever so slightly in your presence
My bad moods evaporate when you’re near
So many things change inside me due to you
And I can’t remember if we talked this over
But I want to be with you
How can I tell you
That we started ambiguously so long ago
And became great friends
Then bonded and closer
And over time my love for you grew
Firm, deep, many rings and layers
How can I tell you
It’s not out of fear for me
But for you
I am sure of my feelings
Are you
Do you ever dream of us embracing
Waking up together
Holding hands
I do
And much more
I catch myself daydreaming of you with you
How can I tell you
I want to tell you so badly
But I don’t need to tell you
Having you in my life is enough
But if you ever want to ask me out
I’ll say yes before you finish the question
If you were wondering
So please ask sometime -
Lemonade (2010)
So the long night has ended
Sun rising and
Moonless sky receding
And I’m going out into
The land of flame and chaos
Don’t worry
Chaos is part of me
So is flame
I miss you
While I walk through this
Valley but I wouldn’t
Want you to become steam
Mist
Rise up
In a week’s time
You shall be mended
We shall have iced tea
Lemonade with the moon
Once more with passion. -
Just One Short of July (2010)
Just one short of July,
Like a cigarette without a light,
Sitting in the dark,
Looking through a window
Into a small glass round,
Waiting for the sun,
Waiting to drop a shield,
Like a tide waiting to rise and fall,
I’m walking with my heart
In my hands
World shaking
Blood racing
I feel unsure until I remember
I’m just on shore of July,
Like the last firefly to be caught
On a cool summer night. -
Romance (2008)
Romance is the realm of emotions. The way the senses affect and afflict emotions. I asked my heart for romance and it gave me this. I asked my heart why and it sat to me: “Romance is the exchange between the heart and mind, constantly revealing the incorporeal soul. Romance is longing and fulfillment. The dance between sorrow and satisfaction. Both are needed to ground the self in the present, in the real experience of something immortal and intangible. The bitterness adds vibrance to the sweetness, validating the existence of the other. Love is one-sided, needing no external force to sustain it. Romance is fragile, like a butterfly in a maelstrom. Romance is fed by love, rooted in love, but so much greater, so much higher. Romance must be the goal of every heart, lest every heart sing alone, locked in cages of love.”
Today, I saw Charlie. It was odd, somehow different. Laughing and waving, the same Charlie of my childhood, the same Charlie I cried and rejoiced with, he stood there. Yet next to him was a woman. She was soothing to the eyes to say the least. I raised my hand and opened my mouth. My heart strings vibrated, my voice strings cold. I struggled to see him for a minute, overcome by this change. My arm moved stiffly, mechanically. My legs carried me home.
The sun has long since retreated. I sit in this darkness, pondering hidden thoughts. There are no mirrors near, none that meet my end. Is it in my heart or in my mind? Where is the source, from whence did this come? Where does it lead? The shadows cast by my candle’s light offer no solace, no dialogue.
The time is unknown. Time becomes irrelevant when the stream of the heart ceases to flow. How can these two parts of my life attack each other so? In youth, Charlie was a dear companion, an ally in the war against the world. My heart was free and open, yet vigilant against wrongdoings. We grew. With strong walls, I faced the world calm and unmoved. Even my fiancé ceases to stir me with a simple touch, as his flesh did so long ago. And yet my eyes stir my blood, stir my inner currents in such a way that is closed off to all other senses. Was it seeing him, two people at the same time? Or was it seeing her, the outer symbol of his change? I have no qualms with her. Nay I would rather have a moment alone with her. Yet I cannot unrile myself.
I have spoken to him, marshaling the sun’s aid. Her name is…something with an S…what matters is that he is not so deeply moved by her as I feared. Feared? Does that fully capture the extent of my unrest? Either way, she knows not the route to his heart and knowing that, I am safe. Safe? Again, I cannot find the right word, the right emotion. Yet I am exposed, my position revealed. The Charlie of my childhood, he who has known me before I knew myself, saw the agitation in my ocean. He merely gazed into me, transfixing my eyes. Again, so roused by merely his eyes. Perhaps the way the light bounces off his soft brown locks. Perhaps the way his celadon eyes glimmer in the fresh sun’s light. Perhaps perhaps, perhaps I am mad! Either way, I have nothing to fear except the uncertain end of powerful rivers.
Here, sitting in a shadow so like his, I wonder what he is doing. What is he saying? Thinking? Sighing ever so sweetly? Perhaps perhaps he sighs of me. Shall I flee this shadow in search of his? Shall I abandon my castle in search of a shack, knowing the storm to come? Yet there I may glimpse the star between the droplets! Dance with the cool kisses of heavens! Feel live earth beneath my feet! Oh, to let my hair flow freely in the breeze! I am absurd, pondering a question I have already answered. I gladly scar this cold granite for the warm wood!
The stars examine me, an arrow in flight. Winding through streets and alleys, I approach my mark. Steps swifter than my mind can command, I traverse. The city, the streets, the markets, my own fear. I traverse. Upon the doorstep I halt. My hand raises, my heart clenched. My mind silent, my ears turn forward, drinking in the sound. Her voice is there, long and languid. His absent wholly. Is he there? Is he not? What should I do, determination derailed?
The door opens. Her shadow clings to his. The deep lines in his face recede. My mouth opens, air dances out lazily. His lips are bowed, drawn taut and high. In a single motion, she is cast out and I am drawn in. Her protests fall before the threshold. His eyes drink me in, stirring he and I. Under compassionate stars we sit, sharing a firm visual embrace, staving off the sun’s return.
Gingerly, I run my fingers along his face. I press only so gently, fearing to dispel the apparition. Solid, soft skin meet my fingers. I trace the scar outside his left eye, the scare I gave him so long ago.
At an age when the senses burned so pure, we rode a horse together, I in front he in back. The sky shifted as I slipped. My body seemed moved by some hidden force. He curled around me, releasing the reigns. We drifted to the ground, watching the horse gallop off free of us. His body was firm yet soft. The world grew dark as I fell into him. Slowly, sound came back. The sound of feet running. The sound of a woman shouting. The sound of a man shouting. The sound of breathing. The sound of him. His arm closed around me tighter for a second. My eyes flew up, meeting his smile. His left eye was closed, a rock covered red next to it. His right eye looked fierce yet contained. He asked if I was okay. I nodded. His grin grew taut and high. Hands bore us up and away.
His smile that’s all mine, laid out before me here and now. I’ve marked him so over these years, with my hand and heart. Yet and still, he is here with me now. I bare no sticks or bones. No lies. Nothing to hide. His arms are around me now, just like then. Rain taps against the windows, taps my face. Warm as always, his arms envelope me. But this time I don’t sink. I won’t be lost in him. My heart stands on equal ground with his, listening to the other so tenderly. My heartstrings vibrate, making sweet music with his. Music that was always there. Music that we had to stumble across, although it bellows out of us. A synchronized duet.
